Rumpelstiltskin?
by LittleDemonInside
Summary: AU. One-shot. Crack-fic. Shizuru as Rumpelstiltskin?


**Disclaimer**: I don't own Mai Hime.

Ha. This just kinda popped into my head one night, and I thought it would make a funny one-shot. So I did it. Oh, and for the second part, the italics with quotes is Shizuru's monologue. =P

* * *

"Please let me keep her!" The woman, Saeko, was starting to sound like a broken record to Shizuru's ears as she continued to listen to the woman's plea.

Shizuru inwardly sighed as she looked down at the woman.

But maybe it would be better just to start at the beginning, hm? Yes, let's.

Shizuru's made a living granting wishes in exchange for equal value. She didn't have to work often and got most of the things she wanted in time. Sure, it wasn't a 'normal' life, but she got by.

She even once saved a life at the cost of another.

Those who feared her considered her a witch, and at the same time, she was considered a saint to those she helped.

She was currently sipping tea and staring out the window of her quaint house in a dream-like trance, not really thinking about anything.

A light ringing brought her deep red eyes back to life. She turned her head, tearing her gaze away from the window and looked at the small portal-like mirror hanging on the wall of the room she was in. She slowly got up and started to walk over, which wasn't as easy as it sounded, seeing as how she was in her favorite kimono.

"Let's see who it is today," Shizuru said in a tone that suggested she had be doing this routine for quite a while. She looked into the mirror to see a lone figure slumping in a castle dungeon, her hands covering her eyes, black hair draped around her form.

"Hm," Shizuru stepped back, smirking. _This might be interesting after all._ She raised her arm and snapped her fingers together, appearing within the castle's dungeon room in seconds. "What's the problem?" She asked, gently.

The woman, obviously surprised, jumped at Shizuru's voice. She looked up, an expression of confusion on her face, "Who're you?" She asked.

"…" Shizuru blinked. _Rule number one: Don't give out your name to clients._ "That doesn't really matter," Shizuru smiled again, "What _does_ matter is that I'm here to solve your problem."

The woman looked down, her expression filled with sadness, "I highly doubt you can."

Shizuru looked down at the woman on the ground. "Try me," She said bluntly.

The woman glanced back up, "I told the man I love that I could spin straw into gold."

Shizuru blinked a couple times, trying to register it all, "Were you, by any chance, drunk when this happened?"

"N-No," The woman said, slightly taken aback by Shizuru's claim. "It's not often one gets a chance to talk to the king personally, so I was rambling. After a while, I started saying random things just so he would continue to listen." The woman looked down at the dungeon floor, "He locked my down here, telling me to prove myself."

Shizuru glanced around. _That would explain all the bundles of straw._ "Well," Shizuru looked back down to the woman, "I can do it."

The woman's face lit up, "You can?"

"Yes," Shizuru smiled, "In exchange for telling me your name, phone number, and giving me the golden bracelet around your wrist. Equal exchange and all."

The woman nodded, "My name is Saeko," She said, taking off her bracelet and handing it over to the Ageless Being. She then paused, "But why would you need my number?"

Shizuru frowned, _That is true. It's never a good idea to sleep with short-term business partners. _"Alright, scratch the number." She then smiled knowingly, "You can just go to sleep and leave the rest to me."

Saeko complied and fell asleep on a bundle of straw, unaware of the things going on around her. She heard part of a conversation in between dreams:

There was a steady, timed beeping sound followed by, "Okay… Okay, keeping backing up the truck— Stop! Okay, Carl, replace these bundles of straw with the gold ones."

Saeko woke up to find bundles of golden straw around her. She gasped happily at the sight, "She actually did it!"

"Of course I did," Shizuru said, suddenly appearing above her, eating strawberries. (Remember kids, it's always important to have a good breakfast.) She opened her mouth to say something again, but what cut off by a guard yelling:

"Sire! She did it! She spun straw into gold!"

"Really?" The commanding, surprised voice said back, "Alright. If she can do it once more, I'll make her my wife!"

Saeko's face lit up even brighter, gasping happily.

Shizuru frowned. _Sounds more like he's using her… Whatever, I'm not paid to judge._ "What'll it be?" The Ageless Being asked, looking over expectantly to Saeko.

"Please!" Saeko said, looking up at the Ageless Being. Then gained a curious look, "You spun all this yourself?"

"Of course not!" Shizuru said, "I got it all from Wal-Mart. They stock everything at conveniently low prices!" Shizuru beamed, then noticed Saeko's confused expression and continued, "Anyway, this time, it'll cost you your new born child," Shizuru explained nonchalantly.

"WHAT? What the hell kind of leap is that?"

Shizuru frowned, "My services get more expensive as they build up."

"But from a bracelet to my _KID_?"

Shizuru was starting to become impatient. Her favorite yuri anime was coming on soon, she didn't have time for this! "Look, you want the king or not? Besides, you can just screw again and make another one."

"Fine." Saeko sighed in defeat.

"Good, I need you to say it out loud."

"I, Saeko, will give you my first born in exchange for spinning straw into gold."

Shizuru smiled, "Then go back to bed, and in one year's time, I'll be back to take the kid!" Shizuru snapped her fingers and she was gone. She frowned, standing inside her home. "Actually waiting would take too long." She smiled cheerfully, "God, I love being able to manipulate time and space!"

"Well, I'm back!" Shizuru chimed after snapping her fingers once more, making it a year later (after watching her yuri anime, of course.) She looked down, seeing the King's surprised, freaked expression. She raised an eyebrow, "And this is the guy running your country?"

"W-wait!" Saeko obviously knew what Shizuru's appearance meant, "Natsuki's going to be the heir! We made future plans for her and everything!"

Shizuru turned her raised eyebrow to Saeko, "Why'd you go and do something like that if you knew I was going to take her?"

"Please, just give us a chance to redeem her!" Saeko pleaded.

Shizuru sighed, "You're lucky I can't resist a pleading woman's face." She looked back down to the two, "If you can guess my name, then you can have her back."

The king's face lit up, "Susan!"

Shizuru's face turned into a 'are-you-really-that-much-of-a-moron?' look, "'Su.. san…?"

"Y-Yeah, well, it-it's on your nametag," The king nervously pointed out.

"Nametag…?" Shizuru looked down, "Oh! So that was her name!"

"'Her name'?"

Shizuru coughed into her hand and looked away, "Nothing…"

_What really happened:_

_The second night of getting golden straw, Shizuru was once again managing. "So, it's the same crew from last night?" She then shrugged, "At least they got it all in the dungeon by morning." She then looked over and saw a blonde worker. Shizuru smirked, "Hello~ She's new."_

_Shizuru smirked as she walked over to the girl. She charmingly leaned against the truck and flashed her a smile, "So, ever slept with an Ageless Being?"_

"Anyway, you have to give her up now," Shizuru said, holding out her hand.

Saeko turned to the king, slapping him across the face with the hand that wasn't cradling a baby Natsuki, "'Susan'? What are you, stupid?"

"S-sorry…" The king apologized.

The mother then looked over to Shizuru, "And you aren't getting Natsuki!"

Shizuru rolled her eyes, "I have proof of our agreement. I promise to take good care of 'Natsuki'."

"What proof?" Saeko frowned.

Shizuru smirked as she took out the recorder, making Saeko gasp. Obviously, the tape was bringing back memories. Shizuru smirked as she clicked recorder on.

Tape: _"Jenny smirked victoriously as she listened to her partner's gasps. She steadily started to thrust her two digits deeper into her lover's—"_

"Whoops! Wrong tape!" Shizuru chuckled at her mistake, completely ignoring the horrified expressions on the two rulers' faces. "This is the one," Shizuru said, pushing the tape in.

Tape: _"I, Saeko, will give you my first born in exchange for spinning straw into gold."_

Saeko finally gave up, handing her baby over.

Shizuru smiled, "Thank you." She said, putting her recorder away and taking the baby. She started to walk away, frowning. _Okay, I just took a one-year-old baby as collateral. Smart move there, Fujino…_

Saeko sighed in the background, "We just handed our baby over to a psychotic lesbian."

"I know, dear," The king sighed, "All we can do is pray for her safety."

"I heard all that!" Growled a ticked Shizuru. She turned and glared, "I'm only _right here!" _She said from a mere fifteen feet away.

"Eep!" The two rulers escaped into their castle… probably to make another heir.

"Ugh," Shizuru frowned, snapping her fingers to go home.

* * *

"_Actually, raising a kid wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, the first year or so was hell, but when she could finally walk, talk and read, it became that much more enjoyable."_

"Natsuki!" Shizuru called from the window, a newspaper in hand, "Could you get some more tea for Mistress? She's thirsty!" She waved her empty cup slightly with her free hand, trying to emphasize.

"Okay!" A three-year-old Natsuki ran into the room enthusiastically and grabbed the cup to fill it with warm tea. She ran back with the cup, careful not to spill any, "Here you go!"

Shizuru looked down and smiled. _Her expression looks like a puppy!_ "Good girl," Shizuru patted the girl on the head after taking the tea and placing it on the table. She then reached over and handed Natsuki a mayo-topped cracker.

Needless to say the kid was happy.

Shizuru watched, amused. _My life is complete._

"_And I don't see why adoptive parents get so worked up about telling their kids that they're adopted."_

"Natsuki," Shizuru started, taking a sip of her tea.

"Yeah?" A seven-year-old Natsuki answered from the other wide of the table, a newspaper covering her body from view.

"You're adopted," Shizuru said casually.

"Figured," Came a dull reply before the newspaper was flipped to a new page.

"Hm." Shizuru said, before taking another sip. _Well, that was easy._

"_Sure, there was been some moments where it wasn't been so great."_

"Mistress!" A five-year-old Natsuki returned from school and ran into the house.

"Yes?" Shizuru smiled, turning to the child.

Natsuki ran over to Shizuru and Shizuru picked the kid up, "I'm home!"

Shizuru smiled lovingly, "Welcome home."

Natsuki beamed, hugging her small arms around Shizuru's neck.

Shizuru smiled happily, "You're so cute, I could just eat you up! But I'll have to wait until you're older and have a chest like Mistress, _then_ I'll eat you!"

Natsuki blinked, turning her head to the side, "Mister Jenkins from down the street said something similar, and my friends called him a 'perverted old man'."

Shizuru smiled, "Well, I'm not a perverted old man, am I?" She joked.

Natsuki narrowed her eyes, thinking long and hard.

As seconds passed, Shizuru's smile slowly started to fade into a frown. Eventually, she answered for Natsuki, "No. No I'm not."

Still, Natsuki thought about it for a minute or so.

Shizuru, ticked, placed Natsuki down and pointed to the stairs, "Go to your room."

"But I haven't even said anything—"

"Exactly, now go." Shizuru said, cutting off Natsuki's protest.

Shizuru frowned, going back to the table after she watched Natsuki climb the stairs. She huffed, "Perverted, maybe. But definitely not an old man."

"_But I can't say there haven't been any fun times."_

A twenty-year-old Natsuki sat in her chair at her desk job. She placed the papers down as she noticed an email. She clicked it open:

_'I love you, Natsuki._

_- Shizuru'_

Natsuki smiled, "Heh." She got back to work, feeling a little better after reading the message.

After a minute or two, another message came. Natsuki clicked it open, curious:

_'Love you lots, Natsuki! Can't wait until you get home. I have a surprise for you._

_- You Know Who'_

Natsuki's smile grew slightly, "Huh. Wonder what it is." She went back to work, but was interrupted a third time. She frowned, "Okay, this is getting ridiculous." She clicked the message open:

_'I really, REALLY love you, Natsuki._

_- Your Mistress'_

Natsuki frowned, "I got it the first two times." Natsuki picked up her warm drink and started to gulp it down when the inbox rang for a fourth time. Natsuki's frown furrowed, "Oh, for Heaven's sake, I get the love!" She started to take another drink and clicked on the message with her free hand. However, she immediately spit out her drink, her face growing tomato red as she reread the message:

_'There are things I want to do to your body in bed tonight._

_- The Seme'_

"What is she trying to do?" Natsuki yelled, rereading again, "Seduce me, via email?"

Meanwhile, back home, Shizuru continued to chuckle ominously, "Fufufu~ What I wouldn't give to see her expression at this moment." She said as she continued to type.

"_And there are some times when I feel like the luckiest woman alive."_

Shizuru panted slightly, looking down at her sweaty partner with a slight smirk on her face, "Told you I was the Seme," She said, victoriously.

Natsuki panted heavily, looking up into red eyes, "And I suppose you're going to tell me that _this_ was the surprise?"

"Of course," Shizuru smiled, "Did you not notice the few new positions we tried out?"

Natsuki blushed and looked away, "…"

Shizuru smirked, leaning down close to Natsuki's ear, "Wanna go again?"

Natsuki frowned, "There's only so much I can take before I break! Let me rest!"

"Fine," Shizuru hugged Natsuki's body close to hers, pouting. "Ikezu."

And they lived happily ever after! How did they live happily ever after if Natsuki is human and Shizuru is an Ageless Being? Shizuru bent time and space. Duhr. Idiots.

* * *

Ha. oO; I swear, I'm not taking anything. Honest. Review?


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